Curiosity killed the cat

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another one, in case it doesn’t rain. ~ Mae West

From the moment I picked up your book, until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it. ~ Groucho Marx

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about things. ~ W.C. Fields

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know. ~ Groucho Marx

Fertility is hereditary. If your parent’s don’t have any children, neither will you. ~ Anonymous

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. ~ Anonymous

One nice thing about egotists - - they don’t talk about other people. ~ Anonymous

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside a dog, it’s too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx

I ran into my ex-boyfriend the other day, then I backed up and ran into him again, I miss him sometimes. ~ Unknown

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you’re thinking of leaving now, you better set off a few minutes earlier. ~ Unknown.

Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that is not there? ~ Driver School Applicant

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching TV by candlelight. ~ George Gobel

Ever time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. ~ Homer Simpson

A signature always reveals a man’s character and sometimes even his name. ~ Evan Esar

I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents. ~ George Wallace 1968 presidential election

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. ~ Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

(while extending his hand during a campaign stop)
Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. ~ Dan Quale

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." Sen. Barbara Boxer (D, Claifornia)

Reagan doesn't have the presidential look. ~ United Artists executive, dismissing the suggestion that Ronald Reagan be offered the starring role in the movie The Best Man, 1964

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. ~ Ellen DeGeners

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. ~ Dave Edison

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think that if you're got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

At my age I do what Mark Twain did, I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. ~ Patrick Moore

If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance. ~ United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. ~ Unknown

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. ~ Unknown

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. ~ Unknown

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. ~ Unknown

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes. ~Unknown

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. ~ Unknown

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic. ~ Steven Wright

I want to die in my sleep like my friend.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. ~ Seen on a bumper sticker

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another." ~ Anonymous

Never run after your own hat. Others will be delighted to do it -- why spoil their fun? ~ Mark Twain

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ~ Fletcher Knebel

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. ~ Groucho Marx

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'. ~ Dave Barry

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. ~ Rita Rudner

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme.
Unknown

Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries. ~ Japan Times article

A great many open minds should be closed for repairs. ~Toledo Blade Newspaper

I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~Mae West

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. ~Unknown

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. ~ Erma Bombeck

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. ~ Unknown

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. ~ Rita Rudner

People who never get carried away should be. ~ Malcolm Forbes

I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs. ~ Nancy Reagan former First Lady

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. ~ Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~ Jennifer Unlimited

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow! ~ Kathy Buckley

Laughter sets the spirit free to move through even the most tragic of circumstances. It helps us shake our heads clear, get our feet back under us, restoring our sense of balance and purpose. Humor is integral to our peace of mind and to our ability to go beyond survival. ~ Captain Gerald Coffee POW in Vietnam for seven years

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. ~ Dan Quayle

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. ~ Dan Quayle

Draw a crazy picture Write a nutty poem Sing a mumble-gumble song Whistle through your comb Do a loony-goony dance 'Cross the kitchen floor Put something silly in the world That ain't been there before. ~ Shel Silverstien